Rose colored glasses please!
Have you ever noticed that sometimes, although you are at the same meetings with a colleague, your interpretation of what happened at the meeting was different…and maybe you were the one who took notice of all the things that went wrong? If not, you’re ahead of the game-perhaps you have a regularly sunny and optimistic outlook that serves you well. But some of you may be like me and have had lapses, where I have fallen victim to the negativity bug from time to time. The quicker I can turn it around, the better I, and everyone around me, feels. But sometimes switching out my wayfarers for a pair of rose colored glasses is just what I need to get right back on track.
I grew up in the northeast in an environment where being a “realist,” which upon reflection, I think included a large dose of pessimism, was king. Being a “Pollyanna,” or looking through rose-colored glasses was considered naiveté, and “simple.” But what if your colleague with the sunny outlook and Pollyanna was on to something? What if finding the silver lining, or focusing on the positive side of situations actually helped us feel more fulfilled and productive and led to greater success? What if being mired in negativity wasn’t just bringing the vibe down in social situations, but what if it's actually getting in the way of our own happiness and success?
Do you ever wonder why you might dwell on the negative? According to a 2001[1] study by Paul Rozin and Edward Royzman, our minds have evolved with a negativity bias—noting and remembering the bad with much more dominance than the good. The authors of the study noted, “[o]ne of the best generic descriptions of this relative power of negative contamination is embedded in an age-old Russian adage: “A spoonful of tar can spoil a barrel of honey, but a spoonful of honey does nothing for a barrel of tar.” However, others believe that while we are all wired this way, with practice and intention we can have a real impact on this bias and feel more positive leading to more fulfillment and happiness.[2]
Seems really obvious, but every now and again, I have difficulty in seeing the sunny side of things. Gaining perspective on what really is causing my negative outlook and challenging myself to question the thinking that has led me to view the circumstances in that way. As always, the first step to a new approach is to simply notice that I am choosing to be negative. Once I have that opening, I can then decide if I want to choose a different approach, or stay where I am.
I had this experience recently, and before I was able to pull myself out of it, I was completely flooded with negativity and spending a great deal of time focusing on what was going wrong. It wasn’t a long period of time, but long enough that I was not feeling like myself, and I was not showing up in my life to my best advantage.
Right before this period of negativity, things were going fantastic. I was very successful in my day job, with a fantastic team supporting me, and had recently opened the doors to my new business. But soon thereafter, there were some personnel changes at my job and a new supervisor came on the scene. Initially, I was very excited about her coming on, but that quickly soured. At the time, it seemed like every email I received from her was laced with demands and judgement. Not only was my relationship with her not what I hoped for, but I wasn’t showing up for my staff as the leader that I once was, and still wanted to be. I seemed to see negativity in every interaction I had with her…and what was worse, I was painfully aware that this was not going to work. I knew I needed to make a change.
Well, after consulting with my own fabulous coach, (Melissa@LeadershipProjectcoach.com) I grabbed a pair of those glasses! Yup, that’s right. I intentionally changed the lens I was interpreting through. Before the swap, I was seeing my new boss as someone who was attempting to judge me harshly for the purpose of doing me harm. As a result, I saw her as doing things to harm me. This colored our interactions and only made things worse.
Swapping out that negative lens and instead seeing my boss as someone who perhaps was awkwardly negotiating her own learning, helped me drop those negative interpretations almost immediately. Within days, this relationship that seemed to be a thorn in my side, and not working, became manageable. Whether any of it was true or not, doesn’t even matter. Once I changed my mindset to something more positive, I felt better, and I returned to thriving.
Months later, although we might never become BFFs, our professional relationship is much improved and drama-free. More importantly, I am able to show-up as the professional I want to be and not sucked into the mire of noticing every negative thing in the office. My rose-colored glasses have restored me!
Unfortunately, I have observed how negativity not only impacts my life, but also the lives of colleagues, clients, friends and family. At times, it’s a sneaky thief draining our sense of well-being. So, next time you notice negativity is bringing you down, or you get hints from friends or family that suggest you're more negative than usual, try the exercise below to help you pull out of it.
Grab a pen and a pad of paper or your favorite journal and take some time to journal on the following points.
1) Notice what has/is causing you to be negative? Has some event triggered you? Jot down what that is and pay close attention to what your assumptions are in this/these situations.
2) Consider are those assumptions serving you? If not, what are some alternative possibilities for this situation?
3) Looking through these possibilities, do you gain any new perspectives on this event? Or feel less negative?
Notes
[1] Paul Rozin and Edward B. Royzman, “Negativity Bias, Negativity Dominance, and Contagion,” Personality and Social Psychology Review, 2001, Vol. 5, No. 4, 296–320.
[2] Dan Baker, PhD, What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better.