I recently was with a talented manager and her team where she related a conversation with an employee that ended when the employee said, “you can’t make me happy.” I am not sure if that employee meant to free her manager of the “happiness,” responsibility, but what a gift it turned out to be. It reminded me that ultimately each of us have some responsibility in how we choose to show up in our work place. When we show up deflated or defeatist and focusing energy outward on how others are causing us to “be,” or feel this way, we may be missing opportunities to experience our environments differently. It led me to start thinking about how we sometimes stand in our own way when we fail to notice the power we each have in the experience of our own circumstance. Usually when we can open up our awareness just a smidge, we can take some form of action, or change the way we think about a situation, to increase our sense of purpose or reduce our frustration-- even in a small way that can make us feel better.
This concept can relate to many aspects of life. My dentist reminded me of this after learning that my beloved dog Tessa was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I was deeply saddened and worried about my pup. Understandably, my mind kept going to losing her. Right before her first chemo treatment started, he texted me to lend support. He also gently reminded me of the saying “whatever you focus on becomes your reality.” That struck a chord. I most certainly did not want my reality to be filled with anticipation of losing my pup. I wanted to spend whatever time we had together enjoying her companionship and love and hopefully vice versa. It was that moment that I realized that I had a choice. I could focus on enjoying my sweet pup while she was here, one day at a time.
A client of mine also echoed this idea. She related to me that her team was depleting her by asking her questions that they “already knew the answer to.” It was causing her tremendous frustration. Another client observed that he was “stuck,” and didn’t have the power to solve problems in his role. What did both of these clients have in common? They were both standing in their own way, not noticing that they had the ability to change their perspectives which opened up new possibilities on how they choose to deal with situations. Both found new opportunities to reduce their frustration and power in acting where they previously believed they had no capacity to contribute to having a better experience.
Consider Ian, a professional in his early 40s. Ian reported that he was abused by his micromanaging boss who lacked trust in him. Although Ian wanted a bigger role in his company, he knew he needed to learn to make his current role work or forgo moving up as he has hoped. What really upset Ian was his boss’s requests for updates and progress reports. Why didn’t the boss just trust that all was well, and that Ian would let him know if something went wrong?
Ian started with the limiting belief that his boss’s interest in his work demonstrated his boss’s lack of professional respect and confidence in him. He didn’t ascribe any other legitimate reason for his boss’s inquiries. As a result, Ian became defensive. He also expected his ideas would be rejected and he approached his boss at times anticipating conflict, with hostility. The relationship suffered, as did Ian. Eventually, Ian began withdrawing and did not want to offer ideas or recommendations. Ian was not proud of his behavior, but he also didn’t think he had a role in changing the situation. He thought his problems stemmed from his boss’s bad behavior.
Over time, exploring Ian’s current reality, he also noticed that he independently handled important clients, and meetings and offered follow-up recommendations that his boss often adopted and even applauded. He noticed that he was the only one on his team who had this much autonomy. Ian slowly began to notice that his interpretation of his boss’s request was coloring all of his experiences—and that previously he missed the indicators of other possibilities.
As Ian continued to dive into his work experience he noticed a couple of things. First, he noticed that he was triggered every time his boss wanted to know about his progress with his clients. Once Ian could identify that there were other possibilities for why his boss would want to be looped into his work, he was able to identify this was going on and choose to not react as he had in the past.
Ian began to find that not only did his relationship with his boss improve, but he felt more trusted and appreciated. Slowly, as his perspective began to shift, Ian’s experience did as well. Sometimes Ian still feels resistant when he gets a request from his boss, but by in large now, Ian is better able to experience this request without ascribing bad intentions to his boss, avoiding the lifecycle of their previously strained relationship.
The next time your faced with being stuck unable to achieve your goal and or have a struggle or frustration that you think is impeding you successfully reaching your goals explore these inquires to see if any possibilities for agency open for you.
1) What is the most important goal you want to achieve in this situation?
2) What are the facts of my situation? What conclusions or assumptions am I making regarding these facts?
3) Do I hold any beliefs around this situation that are self-limiting? Are these conclusions serving me?
4) Are there any alternate interpretations that could serve me? With these in mind, does this open up any possibilities for me?
5) What am I willing to commit to make progress on my goal?